An Object Lesson in Compliments

Essay commenced 06/09/2007; in progress to date

Recently, I have been on the receiving end of some compliments, and I feel the need to explain to someone - anyone - why and how some compliments are good and some are ... less so.

Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, at a social hobby-based event, there were three men, who we'll call Adam, Ben and Carl. I met all three for the first time at the start of this event. Before I left, each of them paid me a compliment. They are three quite different compliments; two highly acceptable and one not. It seems to me to provide an object lesson in complimentage.

Adam, who is a Dutchman living in Germany, had a confused moment in which he addressed me in German. I don't speak German and consequently boggled. The half-Dutch German sitting opposite me laughed a lot and suggested Adam try Dutch, which he promptly did. Sometimes I can manage to understand Dutch, spoken slowly in a familiar accent; this was neither. So I giggled. So far, so comedy. Adam managed to remember English, I was able to answer his question about scheduling, problem solved. Later, in general conversation, we were laughing at Adam's confusion, and he said something to the effect that it was probably worthwhile for the look on my face, all wide-eyed and panicking "and rather cute, actually!" Light-hearted, not intense, not invasive, a propos the conversation, flattering (it was certainly expressed as a compliment, from the tone of voice and so on). Admirably done.

Then there was Ben. Ben is from North America and so can be forgiven for use of the word "commercial". We'd talked for a while on Day 1 of the event. On Day 2, I appeared in my dinky little pale-blue/turquoise hire car, and he said "Oh, cool, your car matches your eyes! They could use you as a car commercial!" This compliment is a little more personal than Adam's, particularly because I was, in fact, wearing sunglasses at the time; the important inference of this compliment therefore is not "you could be a model" but "I paid enough attention to you in conversation yesterday that I know (approximately) what colour your eyes are." Certainly flattering; a good bit more smooth that one expects of geek men, too. But again, a passing remark, not invasive, light-hearted. Jolly good.

And then we have Carl. I had not talked to Carl particularly until we found ourselves clearly preparing to sit next to each other at a restaurant and he pulled out my chair for me. I can't now remember what he had previously done in the same vein, but there'd been one or two other similar incidents, which always make me uncomfortable, and I remonstrated with him. I didn't like the feeling that he was treating me differently from how he was treating the men at the event, and because of my gender. As far as I am concerned, if you wouldn't hold a door/pull out a chair/whatever for a man in my position, don't do it for me. This developed into a general debate about feminism and what's appropriate when and stuff ... with Carl telling me he thought it was "natural" to "care about women" because they weren't "as strong as men". What, I'm not strong enough to pull out a chair? Oh, not just physically apparently. He kept saying he didn't mean I wasn't personally strong enough to look after myself, but then contradicting himself. And he kept asking why I didn't think I was a lady, and telling me I was. It was ... an interesting conversation. A couple of times, later in the meal, while other conversations were flagging slightly, he put his hand on my knee and asked again things like "why didn't I think I was a lady". Because I had already over-reacted slightly to the chair-pulling-out thing, and because Carl is new to the community and I really, really don't want to be unwelcoming, and because this is so unusual to me I was quite unnerved, I didn't push him away. On reflection, I should have slapped him, or at least remonstrated. Anyway, time moved on and it was time for me to go. Once again his hand is on my leg and and he tells me urgently that though I don't think I am a lady, I should know that he thinks I am "the pearl of the community". (A non-techy friend who wouldn't usually be caught dead saying this sort of thing asked if that was spelt "Perl" in this case ...) I said thank you, which might in fact have been foolish, given that I frankly wasn't flattered as I said, I was fractionally creeped out. This "compliment", then, was intense and invasive; incorporating unwelcome and unjustified physical invasion and following on from a spectacular example of not even remotely listening to my opinions. Not, in fact, hugely complimentary.

So what lessons can a man who wishes to compliment a woman he doesn't know that well learn? For that matter, in an attempt to not be hypocritical, this can apply to anyone who wants to pay any kind of compliment to anyone! But more than anything else, this is about highly personal compliments; when another woman at the event remarked how much she envied the length of my hair, for example, that is not the kind of thing I'm really talking about (it's rather less personal, and I know her very well and have done for a few years). Nor is it the same as another person present, when we were discussing interruptions/questions during talks/lectures, telling me that my quality of interruption/question was much higher than that of another chronic interrupter. That was a compliment about something much less personal. So - lessons here for those paying personal compliments, particularly to those you do not know all that well.

Spontaneity and Sincerity

Both Adam and Ben gave the impression that the compliment simply popped into their heads and out of their mouths without thinking about it. Carl, on the other hand, gave the impression of having thought long and hard about telling me this. This latter feels stalky and creepy and - again - invasive.

Physical Contact

If you don't know a person that well - and this applies more to men complimenting women than vice versa, I suspect, though the argument that it shouldn't is a whole other ballgame - touching should be done only very circumspectly. Touching of hands, arms, perhaps shoulders, OK. Unless the recipient of such a touch has reciprocated, hands on legs and suchlike are not, to my mind, a good idea.

Repetition

Assuming the recipient of your compliment has heard you, why repeat it? It doesn't seem likely to carry double the pleasure. And it may be unnerving. After a delay, after banter, on a completely other occasion, by all means. Or, I suppose, if you're sure it hasn't been heard. But be wary.

Is this a compliment the recipient will appreciate?

This is a tricky question. On the one hand, I remember a very wise book (probably Girltalk: All the stuff your sister never told you, by Carol Weston) talking about the paying of compliments, and remarking that if you told some movie star I'd never heard of he had "very blue eyes", that would be hopelessly unoriginal, and he wouldn't appreciate it. Finding something a bit unusual: complimenting a "homely" but brainy girl on some aspect of her appearance, or a slightly bimbo-ish girl on something of personality or intellect, is, according to this theory, a Good Thing. And broadly, that's probably true. More noted as I am for brains than beauty, a sincere and light-hearted compliment on my appearance is very welcome. But on the other hand - partly because such a thing is very rare - it is easy to scare me off or unnerve me with such a compliment. And I do not believe I am alone in this respect. And taking it a step further: when someone's had a feminist rant about wanting to be treated the same as the men in the community, surely it is not a huge leap of logic to realise she doesn't want to be considered the group's "pearl". Surely? So - you have to make allowances for your audience. If you just randomly spout a light-hearted, spontaneous and sincere compliment, you're probably safe. But a pause for thought could save you - or the recipient - some angst!

Ages ...

I have not commented on Adam, Ben and Carl's ages - I would like to think that I'd have responded just as badly to Carl's behaviour if he'd been my own age rather than close to my mother's, and have been as charmed by Adam and Ben if they'd been much older (or for that matter younger). But it's true that behaviour that's only mildly creepy in a guy my own age is deeply unpleasant in a man old enough to be my father. Older men should really bear this in mind. Recently, a very pleasant older man - in his 50s - told me how he looks at his students and thinks they're hardly younger than him. And then has a terrible jolt when he remembers they're younger than his daughter. There are a number of men of my parents' generation who I am aware have the same blind spot; some of them merely treat me as a contemporary and friend and that's absolutely fine; others get a bit more personal and that is much less fine. (As an aside - I know at least one man who, while not quite old enough to be my father, is substantially older than me, and who pays me quite personal compliments, and who does so in such a way as to be not even remotely creepy and in fact entirely charming. If I could tell you how to do it like that, people, I would, but I cannot explain his grace.) If you are wanting to pay compliments to someone not close to you in age, particularly if you are an older man and she a younger woman, extra care is required.

To be continued ...

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